Sunday, March 20, 2016

You're My Damn Soul Mate!

After years of denying that I actually have any romantic feelings left in me, I was finally forced to accept the inevitable fact that I not only adore you as my long time friend and confidant, as the one person who, for absolute other worldly reasons, has been connected to me on such a deep and unwavering level for so many years, but, in truth, I am in love with you. Admitting this, however, is like a gut punch that makes me want to spit up a little blood.

After an unusually awkward encounter, we were both left with an oddly uncomfortable feeling. It seemed that something, no matter how small, had changed. Like we were both thinking that things had changed, but were not quite ready to accept it.

Then, in a profoundly uncomfortable turn of events, you came to me for moral support. You asked me to build your confidence and provide you with comfort. The problem? You were asking me to fill a place in your life, at that moment, that should have been filled by someone who played a more significant role in your life, It was a job for someone who was intimately connected to you; a wife, a lover, etc... and you have never invited me in to fill that space so I failed, I failed, terribly, and you were quick to let me know. Though we exchanged apologies for our reactions to this event, things continue to feel strained between us and I don't quite know what to do.

I know now, for certain, that I love you. I believe that you have realized that you love me too. Now comes the real problem. We are both too broken and anti-relationship to do anything to move forward. Hell, we can't even discuss it! Each time we try, the caution sirens start blaring so loudly, we recoil faster than fingers to a flame.

I would settle for a minor shift. A move from friends with benefits to lovers who are friends. An exclusive relationship between two people who live separate lives, No cohabitation, no joint finances, none of the obligatory joining of households and responsibilities. Just a spoken understanding that the forces of nature have spoken and we belong together.

Do I ask too much?

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